I want to believe that I had no other way but to do this for his happiness and my will. I wonder if it is self-satisfaction for me to think that way.
In front of my apartment gate, I said, “You’ll be happier with a prettier girl than me. You’ll be fine because you’re still young.” and I was right. She is a beautiful girl. I saw them the other day in a local market, and she was like an astonishing beauty. Tried to hold my grin, but I laughed instead. But it’s a laugh like a sun suddenly shining between the clouds. However I look at it, they look good together.
But I wonder what this feeling is. I feel unconcerned, unconcerned about the love he poured into me? If that’s the case, isn’t it too mean? I was the one who decided not to be together and left him. Oh, the ring we saw at a vintage shop in January. I tried it again when he was in the restroom. The storekeeper said they have the couple version in stock by next week, so I came again. The opal ring was so beautiful and fit perfectly in my hand and his. But I had a hunch that I would leave someday, so I didn’t buy it because it would be like a relic.
Then there was a night when I was tired of being vague and lying to him, so I cut off the phone, so he had his chance to forget me. That was our last fight. We had to let it last. I got a call after a few messages already and ignored what I had read. Even if I wanted to contact him, I never did it.
If he is happy now, I know that not getting involved in that life is a good thing. I don’t want to be selfish anymore, and I should continue praying for his happiness. So that he can walk in the light without looking back. If I keep praying, maybe I will have my light too someday. It’s the right thing for me to stop writing a diary-like a love letter to him until then.
On our last meeting, I said, “Are you going to be happy?” I’m glad I asked. At that time, I realized that I gently pulled myself back to be happy. We pray for each other’s happiness. It’s not about being comfortable together as the only thing in our life. It’s about walking in another light. Another perspective of life?
There are still footprints of our story, like our photos on my Instagram. I archived it the night we parted.
Sometimes the memory of him in a quirky pose wearing a red hat I bought him in one of our dates flashed. That time I rolled my eyes, jokingly saying that I would not date him again after the game.
And I did.
17.11.2020 5.43 am
